9 Comedic Geniuses I'd Rather Talk About Than That Bald, Masturbating Turdburger

For the last few days, I've debated with myself about whether I wanted to write something about Louie C.K. and his continued descent into awfulness. Tonight I decided I do not. I do not want to give my space or my energy to clearly sick individual who preyed on his female peers and thinks that now that his "life is over" (spoiler alert: it's not) he is justified in going full asshole.

I would much rather use this platform to celebrate some of my comedic idols, women who always inspire me to be bolder and better, and, more importantly, never fail to have me laughing until water leaks from my eyes (and maybe my vagina).

Please note, this list in by no means comprehensive or authoritative. I could write a hundred lists about funny women, and still inadvertently miss someone. And comedy, like every other art form, is subjective. I'm not trying to start any arguments here. I'm simply trying to share the laughter that these comedians bring into the world, and shine a light on some funny-ass women who actually deserve our attention.

Ali Wong
There's a moment around minute 54 of Ali Wong's 2018 Netflix stand-up special, Hard Knock Wife, when the comedian chases after an imaginary boyfriend, flashing her zebra-print panties as she tries to entice him into performing oral sex on her. "Come on, Gary. Just lie down on your back, Gary. Come on, like you're gonna change oil," Wong hisses in a decidedly unseductive voice, popping a full squat, her skintight leopard-print riding up over her thighs.

That's the moment Wong became my new comedic idol. Not only was the bit, about how the exchange of oral sex between teenagers heavily favors sucking dick over eating pussy, spot-on, her execution of it blatantly disregarded one of the cardinal rules of polite femininity, which is to never flash your underwear at an auditorium full of people.

I've heard women comedians, including Wong herself, make tons of raunchy jokes, but never had I seen someone give no fucks about showing off her crotch to anyone with a Netflix subscription. It was bold, brash, and a level of fearlessness I continually aspire to achieve.

Ilana Glazer & Abbi Jacobson
I can't talk about fearlessness or giving no fucks without mentioning Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, the creators of Broad City, which is (sniff, sniff) entering its final season January 24. These two queens own being bad-asses, and although they have their own unique talents and individual projects, thus far they've made their mark in comedy by being the female Laurel & Hardy to the Millennial generation. Let's be real, they live out our wildest fantasies of ballin' at the bank, getting wasted with Kelly Ripa, and responding appropriately to street harassment.
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Besides their balls-to-the-walls attitude, what I love most about Abbi and Ilana and Broad City is the way the show portrays and celebrates female friendship. Sure, Abbi and Ilana have their conflicts, but their relationship is built on the foundation of building each other up, not tearing each other down, and that is something to which I will always say, "Yasss, queen!"

Amy Poehler
With her wide eyes, delightful cackle and boundless energy, Amy Poehler strikes me as modern-day Lucille Ball. I remember watching her, before I knew she was Amy Poehler, on the Upright Citizens Brigade on Comedy Central. I was only 13 at the time, so a lot of jokes went over my head, but I remember digging the show's absurdist tone and Colby, the lone female member of the chaos-creating brigade. It wasn't until years later that I connected that character to the Saturday Night Live cast member; a few years later, I started watching Parks and Recreation, and my girl-crush on Amy Poehler was complete. There are Parks and Rec scenes I watch over and over again just to try and understand the brilliance of her comedic timing. And how can we ever forget this spectacular moment, possibly the highlight of her SNL career? 

Tina Fey
They say representation matters, and I know this to be true because the first time I saw Tina Fey, brown-haired, brown-eyed and bespectacled, slinging satire behind the SNL Weekend Update desk in 2000, 15-year-old me thought, "Huh. She looks like me. She's sarcastic like me. Maybe there's hope for me yet."
Flash-forward to adulthood, where Fey's ingenious creation, Liz Lemon, continues to be a beacon for me as an cynical, often-irritated, occasionally socially awkward thirty-something who would rather work on her night cheese than her love life. Fey's show 30 Rock is the gift that keeps on giving; you can watch it over and over (and I have) and still find brilliant hidden joke-nuggets that you didn't notice before. It's a master class in writing a smart TV sitcom that blends high- and lowbrow humor (at least that's the excuse I use for watching it on a constant loop). And it also contains the most accurate assessment of dating in your thirties that I've ever seen:

Mindy Kaling
I'd been aware of Mindy Kaling since her run as Kelly Kapoor on The Office, but it wasn't until this past summer, when I finally got around to reading her book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) that I developed a full-on comedy crush on her. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me is the kind of memoir that makes you want to be best friends with the author, because you know she would just get you​ (after all, we share the same thoughts on random hook-ups and ladies going commando). But the real reason I want to be her friend is because I want to be her. Not in a weird, I'm going to Talented Mr. Ripley her, but because she has the kind of career I aspire to - primarily a writer, with some great occasional on-screen credits, famous but not a paparazzi-frenzy-inducing celebrity. Oh, and a killer sense of style. 

Melissa McCarthy
Two words: Sean Spicer. Do I really need to say more than that? I mean, good riddance to bad rubbish, but I was the teensiest bit sad when that guy resigned because it meant no more bravura performances from the comedic wunderkind. McCarthy's another performer I watch and see nothing but a willingness to commit and go as far as necessary to maximize the funniness in a joke. I will never not be impressed by her gum-chewing, podium-driving, high heel-wearing stints as Spicer, and am including the link mainly so I have an excuse to watch it again. 

Kate McKinnon
Kate McKinnon is a goddamn national treasure, and I will fight anyone who disagrees. I can (and probably should) make a whole separate list of her best SNL sketches, but how would I decide what to include? From her spot-on impersonations of Hillary Clinton, KellyAnne Conway and Jeff Sessions to her delightfully demented creations like "Close Encounters'" Ms. Rafferty or Ghostbusters' Jillian Holtzman, McKinnon does everything with 100% commitment, 0% fear, and a sly twinkle in her eye. But if I had to choose, it's McKinnon's gangster interpretation of the Notorious RBG herself that really brings all of her formidable comedic skills to bear. 

​Leslie Jones
I know this is an SNL-heavy list, but do you really expect me not to include Leslie Jones? Like the other ladies on this list, Leslie Jones gives no fucks - ok, maybe one, but that's just about being as hilarious as possible. Sure, she can do restrained, as Michelle Obama or Donna Brazille, but as someone who got her start in stand-up, Jones' take-no-prisoners Weekend Update spots are where she really shines. I will gladly listen to her share her wisdom on anything from her perfect man to crazy bitches with "dollop of Miracle Whip" Colin Jost. But it was her ability to survive the completely off-the-rails "Gift Wrap" sketch in a 2017 SNL episode that made her a true MVP in my eyes. 

So there you have it. Nine ladies who are kicking ass at comedy, Hope they brought a smile to your face (although smiling should be a completely voluntary act on your part, and if you don't want to smile, I completely support that). 

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