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These Are Things I Think About
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Today we're going to talk about the Backstreet Boys. Love 'em or hate 'em, you can't deny that in the span of their 25-year career (yes, you read that right - the Backstreet Boys have been around since 1993), they have permanently lodged themselves in our collective consciousness. You've rocked out to "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" on the dance floor at a wedding. You've taken a crack at "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)" at karaoke. And you know that, no matter where you are or what you're doing, if "I Want It That Way" starts playing, you sing along.
But today, this devoted BSB fan is here to tell you that if you only know their greatest hits, you're cheating yourself. During my recent 3,100-mile sojourn across the U.S., I had the chance to fully re-acquaint myself with the entire BSB catalogue, and it made me think about how some of my favorite BSB songs are ones that never see the light of day. So, in honor of the release of their 10th (!) studio album, DNA, tomorrow, I decided to share with you all my recommendations for the most under-appreciated BSB songs that really deserve to be heard by more people. 1. "Feels Like Home" In A World Like This, 2013 The Boys have always been very vocal about celebrating their international fanbase, and this bouncy, rock-tinged tune from their last studio album carries on that tradition. I love it because it captures the energy and excitement exchanged between the band and their devoted followers, and references both their personal journeys (Kevin Richardson, who sings the first verse about moonshine and bonfires, hails from Kentucky) and their experiences as a band ("London, Berlin/This is where it all began" is a nod to breaking through in Europe before hitting it big in the U.S.). Go ahead and clap along - you know you want to. 2. "Climbing the Walls" Never Gone, 2005 For me, picking a favorite Backstreet Boys song is what I imagine picking my favorite child would be like, if I had children. It's so damn near impossible, but this soaring, rock-influenced power ballad from 2005's "Never Gone," is always right at the top of my list. Perhaps it's because when this song came out, I was in the midst of a torrid love affair with someone I had no business being in love with, but the song's themes of unrequited love and passion so strong it seeps under your skin resonated so much with me. With the combined belting power of AJ McLean, Brian Littrell and Nick Carter, no band does big emotions music better than BSB, imho. 3. "Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song)" Backstreet Boys, 1997 Let me tell you something - when I first heard this song in 1998, at age 13, it made me FEEL THINGS. If my life took place in the world of Netflix's Big Mouth, this is the song that would have made my Hormone Monstress bust through my wall and into my life. With it's buzzy beat, silky background harmonies and AJ's smooth-yet-raspy vocals, this song made visions of dark, sweaty dance floors and sexy dudes with killer moves dance in my head. Sadly, when I actually grew up and got to experience dark, sweaty dance floors, I found them to generally be populated with creepy dudes with awkward boners, but I'm still hopeful that one day I will find a guy who makes me want to say "Hey Mr. DJ, keep playin; this song." 4. "Don't Wanna Lose You Now" Millennium, 1999 Millennium, the Backstreet Boys' first CD released worldwide, is generally considered to be one of their strongest albums, and that fact was borne out in how much I struggled with which tracks from the album to include on this list. Every track on Millennium is solid, so you should really just go listen to the whole thing. But if you can't, or won't, you should at least listen to this mid-tempo track that ticks all the boxes of a great BSB song - glorious five-part harmonies? Check. A big, belty refrain that you want to shout from the rooftop? Check. A heart-wrenching emotional journey? Check. Treat yourself to a live, acoustic rendition from 2016 while you're here. 5. "That's the Way I Like It" Backstreet's Back, 1997 This track is such a deep cut, it was never formally released in the U.S. "That's The Way I Like It" was only included on the band's second European CD, "Backstreet's Back," making it something of a white whale for American fans (remember, kids, this was in the pre-Amazon days). But the power of this funky, slinky groove about the intoxicating power of music and mysterious women (which sounds nothing like the KC & the Sunshine Band tune of the same name) would not be denied. My friends and I managed to get our hands on contraband copies of "Backstreet's Back," and jammed our little hearts out, imagining we were the sexy "mystery lady" setting the Boys' desires aflame. 6. "Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon" Unbreakable, 2007 For fans, 2007's Unbreakable was a bit of a crapshoot. Member Kevin Richardson went on hiatus from the band in 2006, and while we were happy the rest of the fellas decided to soldier on without him, we weren't really sure what the first Kevin-less album was going to be like. On Unbreakable, the Boys adopted a more adult contemporary sound, which is evident in "Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon," the album's closing track, and one of their most beautiful, in my opinion. Written by the four remaining BSB members - Littrell, Carter, McLean and Howie Dorough - the song traffics more in metaphor and imagery than typical BSB songs, while still offering a strong emotional appeal. 7. "Poster Girl" Never Gone, 2005 This is one of the few BSB songs that has any kind of narrative, story-telling element to it, which is part of the reason I like it so much. The scratchy record sound (I'm sure there's a technical musical term for that, but I'm not a technical musical person), the bouncy melody, and the tension in loving someone who you know is ultimately a disastrous train wreck makes this my second-favorite song from Never Gone, after "Climbing the Walls," of course. 8. "Don't Want You Back" Millennium, 1999 Before there was NSync's "Bye Bye Bye," there was BSB's "Don't Want You Back." For the first time, the Boys were angry, and in 1999, BSB fans were here for it. With it's thumping, clanging drumbeat and moody melody, this was as close to raging against the machine as BSB got. This is probably the shallowest deep cut on this list, because the Boys have included this song in several of their tours and live concerts over the years. Twenty years later, we're still here for it. 9. "Everyone" Black and Blue, 2000 Did you know that in addition to a song called "Everybody," BSB also has a song called "Everyone"? See, you're learning so much today! This trippy, boppy uptempo song from Black and Blue always made me think of a pinball machine, and was ready-made to be an opener for their Black and Blue world tour. 10. "10,000 Promises" Backstreet's Back, 1997 Another song from BSB's second European album, Backstreet's Back. Like "That's The Way I Like It," I've always wondered what record-label shenanigans went down that kept this off their U.S. debut. It's a beautiful kiss-off power ballad that demonstrates the Boys' flawless five-part harmonies, and it's super-easy to relate to if you've ever been duped into loving someone untrustworthy (which sadly is most of us, at this point in our lives). It's ok. The Backstreet Boys understand. 11. "Panic" Unbreakable, 2007 True story: from the first time I heard this song, it always conjured images in my mind of a trippy funhouse. I love the juxtaposition of the dubby drum and bass rhythm with the dark and moody (for BSB, at least) lyrics. Always guaranteed to get my head bopping. 12. "Undone" This Is Us, 2009 When you listen to the Backstreet Boys as much as I do, you start to see some overarching themes in their songs. "Undone" is one of the best examples of what I call their "Ya Done Fucked Up" songs (see also: "10,000 Promises" and "Don't Want You Back" on this list). This is a rare example of the Boys exhibiting some restraint in their vocals, but it only serves to make the tone that much more menacing. You know when someone is so angry they whisper instead of scream? That's what's going on in "Undone," and if you've ever had a SO fuck you over, you know how real that feeling is. "Undone" was a pleasant bonus that they threw in their set list for their Las Vegas residency - check it out. 13. "Try" In A World Like This, 2013 The Backstreet Boys have always identified itself as, first and foremost, a vocal harmony group, evidenced by their ability to harmonize at the drop of a hat, with or without accompaniment. While it's been awhile since they've included a straight-up a cappella track on an album (although their new album, DNA, does include such a song), Try, on 2013's In A World Like This, came pretty close. Yes, this is yet another song on this list that features AJ as the lead vocalist, but it's simple, sexy and shows off what BSB does best - sing like five angels that fell right out of Heaven and into Orlando, FL. If, like me, you have been single for a few years, you know that, no matter how surrounded you are by loving family and friends, occasionally you long for the comfort and fulfillment of having that special someone for kissing, cuddling, and other couple-y things (hey, even in LA, there are cold nights when a warm body to snuggle up to would be most welcome). However, if, like me, you have been single for a few years, you know that dating is a nightmarish hellscape in which you're more likely to be insulted, ghosted or fucking peed on than to find a tolerable temporary bed buddy, let alone "the one." Not to mention that if you do find someone worth dating, you have to go through the whole torturous process of stressing about whether like you back, trying to impress their friends and family, and worrying about when a dealbreaker, like their lifelong dream is to live in Alaska or they voted for Jill Stein "because they just couldn't bear to vote for Hillary" will rear its ugly head. Ugh, isn't it exhausting just thinking about it? Maybe it's because the third anniversary of the end of my last long-term relationship just passed, or because I recently migrated to a new city with twice as many people as the city I left, but I was contemplating dipping a toe back into the murky, algae-filled dating pool. Luckily, the part of my brain that's not connected to my heart or vagina intervened before I could fire up the Tinder app and open myself up to a world of frustration and anxiety.  Since one never knows when a case of the relationships might hit again, I figured it would be a good idea to have a list of better uses for my time and energy handy. Maybe it will be useful to you as well, gentle reader - feel free to add your own!
1. Explore LA, my new home I live in LA now! Did you know that? It's a huge city in a huge state, which means there are tons of new things for me to explore and do, like the Getty, Griffith Observatory, the Hollywood Bowl, the Broad Museum, the La Brea Tar Pits, the LA Zoo, Runyon Canyon Park, Dodgers and Lakers games, Grand Central Market, the California Science Center, the Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens...I could go on and on. Who wants to be on Tinder when you can be on the beach all year round? 2.. Finish my screenplay So then I can go full LA and be one of those people running around trying to get industry people to read my screenplay. 3. Continue my quest for comedy domination I'm in one of the country's comedy meccas, with Groundlings, UCB, Second City and more offering classes in sketch and improv, two areas of comedy I definitely want to plunge into in my pursuit of being Tina Fey when I grow up. Not to mention all of the nightly open mics where I can continue to refine my stand-up act. Compared to all the other comics who plumb the dating scene for material, I'll look original as hell with my relevant jokes about The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and why adults still lose their goddamn minds when someone tosses up a balloon at a party. 4. Earn some fucking money Because LA is as expensive as everyone says. Do you know what they charge for gas out here? DO YOU EVEN KNOW??? 5. Volunteer for a political campaign Look, shit is fucked up right now. I know it. Cardi B. knows it. And it seems like a better use of my time to work to defeat the MAGA-hat wearing masses in upcoming elections than to have to weed them out of my dating pool. I'm not saying I'm #teamkamala, but having done some canvassing before I left Philadelphia, I'm definitely interested in using my time and energy to support candidates who I believe can help push the country forward in the right direction. 6. Learn a new language While I may be able to speak and write English better than most people, I've always been shit at learning foreign languages. It might be time to overcome that. Spanish is the most obvious choice; the fact that a lot of signage in and around LA is written in both English and Spanish might improve my chances of actually mastering some of the language. 7. Exercise Not like, in a gym. Let's not go crazy here. But given California's seemingly endless supply of sunshine and array of beautiful hiking trails, I can be active outdoors a lot more than I was in stupid, frigid Pennsylvania. (Hope you're all staying warm, East Coast fam!) 8. Improve my mindfulness/meditation skills Yeah, yeah, I know, it's an LA cliche to get all hippie-dippie, but I was introduced to mindfulness practices and meditation techniques on the East Coast, and I do believe they have significant mental, emotional and physical benefits. If I can get my overactive mind to quiet for 10 minutes without bouncing from thought to thought like a goldfish who's out of Ritalin, that will be a new achievement level unlocked. #goals #westlifebestlife 9. Catch up on all the TV shows and podcasts people have recommended to me Let's see...The Sopranos, The Deuce, Shameless, Succession, Veep, Black Mirror, Just for Laughs, The Mindy Project, Great News, Schitt's Creek, Queer Eye, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, 2 Dope Queens, Sooo Many White Guys, Lore, S-Town, Dirty John, Comedy Bang Bang, Serial...yeah, I've got enough to keep me busy for a looooong time. 10. Write more blog posts Because I love you, dear reader, more than I could ever possibly love a man who is presently contemplating which dick pic to send to the poor girl he just matched with on Tinder. Today I attended the 2019 Women's March in Los Angeles. It's become something of a January tradition for me. I attended the first Women's March in 2017 in Washington, D.C. because, in all honesty, I needed an outlet for all the dismay, anger and horror I felt at Donald Trump's election as President of the United States. Marching alongside nearly half a million other people who shared my outrage and sorrow was a cathartic, energizing experience. We were exercising our right to peaceful protest, reminding the newly inaugurated President that although he clearly didn't respect us or our rights, we, like Alex Forrest, would not be ignored.
In 2018, I attended the march and rally in my hometown, Philadelphia. Although we had survived a year of the Trump presidency (although it felt more like 10 years) and the world hadn't ended (yet), it felt important to me to show up again to remind the government that we were still watching, still angry, still disapproving, and still waiting for them to do better on a whole host of issues, from equal rights for individuals of all genders, races and sexual orientations and identities to climate change to immigration. Of course, all of those things are still true today, in 2019, as we find ourselves entering year 3 of the special kind of insane, absurdist hell that is the Trump administration. It's possible that the stakes are higher now than they were in 2017 or 2018. We're mired in the longest government shutdown in U.S. history; there's a full-on humanitarian crisis at the southern border; it's becoming increasingly evident that a plethora of shady shit went down between the Trump campaign and Russia during the 2016 election, and the 2020 election is starting to peak its nose out over the horizon. And yet, this year's event seemed to lack the urgency of marches past. Perhaps this is just an example of the L.A. laid-backness to which I am still becoming accustomed. To be sure, there was still a very good turnout, in my eyes at least, at City Hall this afternoon. Maybe I'm just not yet connected with as many politically active folks out here as I was in Philadelphia. Perhaps everyone is still riding the high of the Blue Wave that swept through the 2018 midterms, and taking a breather before what will surely be a marathon to the next presidential election in November 2020. Accusations of anti-Semitism among the Women's March leadership have shrouded this year's marches in controversy, and also may have affected turnout. I briefly considered not attending the march after learning about the division among the organization's leaders. Not only do I not want to be associated with any movement that discriminates against anyone, I'm irritated that this is what the movement has become. If women want to be leaders, we need to act like leaders, and that means putting aside individual prejudices and squabbles for the greater good. I absolutely think it is important for women of color to have a seat at the table for leading these events and this movement. I don't think they have to be beyond reproach, or that they can't have evolving attitudes and learning curves like we all do. But you can't fight discrimination while discriminating, and you can't fight hate with hate. That sort of approach will sink this movement like a dang torpedo. After more research, I learned that the Women's March LA is not associated with the national Women's March, Inc. organization, which is why I felt comfortable attending. And while I'm glad I went (marching when it's 70 degrees and sunny is far preferable to marching when its 35 degrees and cloudy or rainy), I can't help but wonder if it's the best use of my (or anyone's) civic duty time. Yes, gathering together in a show of strength and solidarity has its value, but what did we ultimately accomplish today? To remind the Trump administration that we are unhappy with his governance? He already knows that, and may or may not care. Did we end the government shutdown? Resolve the humanitarian crisis at the border? Magically add another 10 years to Ruth Bader Ginsberg's life? I know this all may sound rather pessimistic, but I don't think this is a time to be a wide-eyed optimist, either. The fact is, putting on our pink pussy hats, pulling out our "A woman's place is in the House and the Senate" signs, and taking to the streets once a year is not going to do a whole lot to stop Trump and his cronies from implementing more dangerous, harmful policies; stacking courts with conservative judges, and, God forbid, winning re-election in 2020. I think, more than anything, this year's march was an opportunity to reflect on what I'm doing to be proactive in working to make my country a safer, more inclusive, more equitable place. I'm not entirely sure what that looks like yet, but I'll be sure to keep you posted when I do. As you may have noticed, my grand plans of doing a daily blog re-cap of my drive cross-country disintegrated quickly. Did you know that driving about 500 miles a day by yourself can be quite exhausting? And that when you reach your destination, all you'll want to do is drink the $5 wine you bought at a Wal-Mart in Garland, Texas out of a plastic hotel cup, find HGTV on the dial in whatever city you're calling home for the next 12 hours, and pass out? Because that's just one of the lessons I learned during #krissyscaliforniaadventure. So we will all have to content ourselves with a recap of my observations and experiences while on the road, written at the dining room table of my lovely new apartment in Studio City, California. It's been a whirlwind of a week - buckle up and let's go! Sunday, 1/6/19: Day 3 of my trip found me in western Tennessee, where I stopped for breakfast in Memphis. I went to the Arcade, the oldest restaurant in Memphis, established in 1919. It was a cute place, with friendly service and delicious food (I got a breakfast platter with ham, eggs, biscuits and grits that also provided my lunch that day). Being a solo traveler, I opted to sit at the counter, so as not to take up a whole table or booth, and I felt the weight of history settle on me. Although nothing in the write-up of the restaurant's history mentioned it, having existed in the Jim Crow South, I can only assume that the Arcade, like so many establishments of that era, was segregated, and that had I been a Black woman visiting the Arcade in its 1950s heydey, I would not have been allowed to sit in the seat I presently occupied. It's a disturbing thought, especially when considering that Memphis is still one of the United States' most segregated cities. It's an understatement to say that I'm perplexed by racism - why should the color of my skin affect where I am allowed to eat a meal? And sure, maybe people don't want the darker elements of our nation's history served to them with their morning coffee, but I can't help but wonder if these establishments don't have a responsibility to acknowledge their role in upholding racist laws in the past. This idea was further driven home when I walked around the corner from the Arcade to the Lorraine Hotel, where the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated on April 4, 1968. The hotel is now part of the National Civil Rights Museum, and is preserved to look as it did the day of the MLK's murder.  I unfortunately did not have time to visit the museum, although it looks really interesting, but even standing on the sidewalk below room 306, where Dr. King was shot, resonated. Here stood a man who dared to demand equality for all people. Here was a man whose whole system of agitating for equal rights was based on non-violence. Here was a man who just wanted to make the world a better place. And because he was Black, and the people he advocated for were of all races, he was so dangerous to some that he had to be shot dead. It makes no earthly sense to me how a person like Dr. King, who achieved so much in such a short time, and could have gone on to do so much more, was killed, while throughout history and the world, tyrants are allowed to live to continue perpetuating acts that actively harm people and the planet. With this in my mind and heart, I hit the road to Little Rock, Arkansas, where I stopped at the William J. Clinton Presidential Library and Museum. Ironically, the library was closed because of the federal government shutdown (presidential libraries and museums are operated by the National Archives and Records Administration, a federal agency), but I was able to tour the park surrounding the building, which overlooks the Arkansas River. The grounds include a small memorial area that acknowledge Arkansas as the site of acts of discrimination, including its location on the Trail of Tears, its hosting of Japanese-American internment camps during WWII, and its history of segregation. These are the kind of acknowledgments that I feel are necessary to make sure we as a country do not forget the horrors and injustices that have been perpetrated and sanctioned in our country. After all, the internment camps and Brown v. Board of Education occurred less than a hundred years ago. Yes, we've made progress, but we still have a long way to go. Monday, 1/7/19: After Sunday's thought-provoking experiences, Monday was a bit more subdued, as I drove across Texas from Garland, outside of Dallas, to Fort Davis. Everyone I talked to before and during my trip said that this leg would be the worst part of the trip, and while it wasn't horrible, it definitely was a slog. Texas is just so. damn. big. Out of six days of my trip, I spent at least part of three of them in Texas. There is one interesting thing that happened on this day of the trip, which I know any theater folks reading this will especially appreciate. In my research for the trip, I discovered that Odessa College in Odessa, Texas, is home to the "Globe of the Great Southwest," a replica of Shakespeare's Globe theater in London. Being a theater person, and not knowing when I would return to Odessa (spoiler alert: probably never), I figured I might as well try to see it. My expectations of getting inside the building to actually see the space were marginal; maybe there would be a rehearsal or show, or maybe the school was still on winter break and everything would be locked up. What I did not expect was for the theater, and the replica of the home of Anne Hathaway (Shakespeare's wife, not the Devil Wears Prada actress), to be completely unlocked and unoccupied, offering me completely unlimited access to everything. It was so fucking weird, I still can't believe it really happened. Had I been a less scrupulous person, I could have made off with valuable lighting and sound booth equipment, not to mention a whole dining room set from the Hathaway house. Luckily for Odessa College, I just took some photos and stayed far away from any expensive equipment, but seriously guys...lock your doors. Tuesday, 1/8/19: I started my day by swinging through Marfa, Texas, which many people recommended I visit, as it's known as a funky, eclectic creative haven in the middle of the desert. Not to shit on anyone's opinion, but I was very underwhelmed. Maybe it's because I was there on a Tuesday morning in the middle of winter, but Marfa struck me as just a sleepy little Texas town where it was hard to find a spot for breakfast (although I did end up getting a delicious and cheap breakfast burrito at a local joint called Mando's). I'm not sorry that I made it a point to stop there, but it was a bit of a letdown. I had really been looking forward to seeing what Marfa had to offer, and was disappointed to find that it wasn't much. Driving back to the interstate from Marfa meant about an hour on a super-isolated two-lane highway. This was the only point of the trip where I got really nervous; I saw maybe four other vehicles in the entire time I was on this road, and my cell phone service was spotty. If my car had broken down or I was somehow impaired, I was going to be right fucked. Obviously, I made it, but despite the lovely scenery, I was happy to put those miles behind me. Also, while I was on this road, I spotted what could only be described as an unidentified flying object. As I drove towards it, knowing full well that it was probably some kind of weather-tracking device, I developed a newfound empathy for people who think they've seen alien spaceships. When you're driving alone through an isolated moonscape with nothing but cattle for company, and you spot an oddly-shaped object floating, apparently untethered, in the sky - well, it can make you question reality a bit. Of course, the thing I was not an alien UFO, but rather some weather-tracking radar balloon, but I'll always remember that half hour when I almost believed in aliens. Tuesday also saw me traveling through El Paso, right on the border of Mexico. The timing seemed auspicious, given that 45 is currently throwing the longest temper tantrum in government history over border security in this area. Look, driving past one small section of this vast national border doesn't make me an authority on what's going on in this area (although I guess if I were Trump, I would claim that it would). But I certainly didn't see a migrant caravan hurtling themselves at America like zombies in World War Z. Interstate 10 passes within miles of the U.S.-Mexico border, and from what I could see, Mexico was just over there, chilling. Interestingly, since I was listening to a lot of NPR and new podcasts on my journey, some of the experts and commentary I heard changed my opinion on border security somewhat, in that we do need to increase it, but in an intentional, comprehensive way. The wall, of course, remains one of the most asinine, illogical solutions to a highly complex, ongoing problem I've ever heard, and I've worked in higher education, so I know from dumb ideas. New Mexico lived up to its name of the "Land of Enchantment." Even though I only spent about half a day there, it was my favorite state along the way, and probably number one on my list to revisit. Absolutely breath-taking scenery:  Wednesday, 1/9/19: My last day on the road was good, but a little strange. I met up with a friend for lunch in Tempe, AZ; his was the first familiar face I had seen in six days, and I realized how quickly I had gotten comfortable with my isolation (I would make a fantastic hermit, if that ever comes back as a viable career path). As I got closer and closer to California, I actually found myself getting nervous. In one sense, my journey was coming to an end. I had made it across the country, all 3,142 miles (I counted), alive! But of course, my journey was just starting - once I arrived at my new apartment, I was going to have to get out of my car, unpack all my shit, and start a new life. I don't know if you've ever done that, but it's kind of terrifying. For six days, life had been pretty uncomplicated; wake up, gas up, hit the road, eat when you have to eat, pee when you have to pee, get to your destination in one piece, sleep, and repeat. Although I had been putting pieces in place for my life in California, now the whole picture was coming into focus. This wasn't like going on a vacation and returning to your regular life. I talked to my mom about it, and likened it to what I imagine having a baby is like: you spend months planning and preparing to have a baby, which is a huge event, but it doesn't end with the birth. That's just the beginning of a whole new reality. I spent months planning and preparing for this move, and now the move is over (pretty much - there are still a few boxes in my car), but the new reality is just beginning.
So that's where I am. If you've made it to the end of this massively long post, thank you for reading, have a cookie! (Spoiler alert - I don't have any cookies). But I will have a lot more to say in the coming weeks about my new life here in LA, so stay tuned! Greetings from Brownsville, Tennessee! Short post today, friends - covered a lot of ground today, and I didn't sleep very well last night on account of being excited because, you know, I'm moving to freakin' LA! So it's a quick post with my random thoughts for the day, and then off to bed!
Greetings from rain-soaked Wytheville, Virginia! Day 1 of #krissyscaliforniaadventure is on the books, and all things considered, it was pretty uneventful. That means I had a lot of time to think about things (always a favorite past-time of mine). One of the things I thought about was the concept of bravery.
Throughout this process of moving to California, many people, both loved ones and random people, have told me how brave I am. Not that I want to be an obnoxious contradictory twat, but I have to be honest, I don't really feel like "brave" is accurate adjective here. I'll take the praise, to be sure. I'm just not really sure I deserve it. Personally, I don't think I'm brave; I'm just stubborn. It's always been a dream of mine to live in California; now is the time in my life to do it. Once I made the decision, and made my intentions known, there was very little that could have stopped me because, as you may remember from two sentences ago, I'm stubborn AF. I suppose I understand how my actions can be interpreted as brave; although it's hard for me to apply that term to myself when this decision came easily, almost naturally. Not that it hasn't been difficult, emotionally, mentally, even physically. But even pushing through in the face of the challenges doesn't make me feel brave, because they're the natural consequences of the decision that I made. When I think about the bravest thing a person can do, I always come back to being a parent. That's something I'll never have the courage to do, because the stakes are so fucking high. (Also, I have no interest in trying to explain to a tiny dictator who sits in their shit why they need to eat their chicken fingers.) Packing up and moving to a new state? Sure, it's a risk, but a calculated one. Cooking a human, birthing it, and then keeping it alive day after day? That's courage. Other thoughts from the road...
For the last few days, I've debated with myself about whether I wanted to write something about Louie C.K. and his continued descent into awfulness. Tonight I decided I do not. I do not want to give my space or my energy to clearly sick individual who preyed on his female peers and thinks that now that his "life is over" (spoiler alert: it's not) he is justified in going full asshole. I would much rather use this platform to celebrate some of my comedic idols, women who always inspire me to be bolder and better, and, more importantly, never fail to have me laughing until water leaks from my eyes (and maybe my vagina). Please note, this list in by no means comprehensive or authoritative. I could write a hundred lists about funny women, and still inadvertently miss someone. And comedy, like every other art form, is subjective. I'm not trying to start any arguments here. I'm simply trying to share the laughter that these comedians bring into the world, and shine a light on some funny-ass women who actually deserve our attention. Ali Wong There's a moment around minute 54 of Ali Wong's 2018 Netflix stand-up special, Hard Knock Wife, when the comedian chases after an imaginary boyfriend, flashing her zebra-print panties as she tries to entice him into performing oral sex on her. "Come on, Gary. Just lie down on your back, Gary. Come on, like you're gonna change oil," Wong hisses in a decidedly unseductive voice, popping a full squat, her skintight leopard-print riding up over her thighs. That's the moment Wong became my new comedic idol. Not only was the bit, about how the exchange of oral sex between teenagers heavily favors sucking dick over eating pussy, spot-on, her execution of it blatantly disregarded one of the cardinal rules of polite femininity, which is to never flash your underwear at an auditorium full of people. I've heard women comedians, including Wong herself, make tons of raunchy jokes, but never had I seen someone give no fucks about showing off her crotch to anyone with a Netflix subscription. It was bold, brash, and a level of fearlessness I continually aspire to achieve. Ilana Glazer & Abbi Jacobson I can't talk about fearlessness or giving no fucks without mentioning Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, the creators of Broad City, which is (sniff, sniff) entering its final season January 24. These two queens own being bad-asses, and although they have their own unique talents and individual projects, thus far they've made their mark in comedy by being the female Laurel & Hardy to the Millennial generation. Let's be real, they live out our wildest fantasies of ballin' at the bank, getting wasted with Kelly Ripa, and responding appropriately to street harassment. Besides their balls-to-the-walls attitude, what I love most about Abbi and Ilana and Broad City is the way the show portrays and celebrates female friendship. Sure, Abbi and Ilana have their conflicts, but their relationship is built on the foundation of building each other up, not tearing each other down, and that is something to which I will always say, "Yasss, queen!" Amy Poehler With her wide eyes, delightful cackle and boundless energy, Amy Poehler strikes me as modern-day Lucille Ball. I remember watching her, before I knew she was Amy Poehler, on the Upright Citizens Brigade on Comedy Central. I was only 13 at the time, so a lot of jokes went over my head, but I remember digging the show's absurdist tone and Colby, the lone female member of the chaos-creating brigade. It wasn't until years later that I connected that character to the Saturday Night Live cast member; a few years later, I started watching Parks and Recreation, and my girl-crush on Amy Poehler was complete. There are Parks and Rec scenes I watch over and over again just to try and understand the brilliance of her comedic timing. And how can we ever forget this spectacular moment, possibly the highlight of her SNL career? Tina Fey They say representation matters, and I know this to be true because the first time I saw Tina Fey, brown-haired, brown-eyed and bespectacled, slinging satire behind the SNL Weekend Update desk in 2000, 15-year-old me thought, "Huh. She looks like me. She's sarcastic like me. Maybe there's hope for me yet." Flash-forward to adulthood, where Fey's ingenious creation, Liz Lemon, continues to be a beacon for me as an cynical, often-irritated, occasionally socially awkward thirty-something who would rather work on her night cheese than her love life. Fey's show 30 Rock is the gift that keeps on giving; you can watch it over and over (and I have) and still find brilliant hidden joke-nuggets that you didn't notice before. It's a master class in writing a smart TV sitcom that blends high- and lowbrow humor (at least that's the excuse I use for watching it on a constant loop). And it also contains the most accurate assessment of dating in your thirties that I've ever seen:  Mindy Kaling I'd been aware of Mindy Kaling since her run as Kelly Kapoor on The Office, but it wasn't until this past summer, when I finally got around to reading her book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) that I developed a full-on comedy crush on her. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me is the kind of memoir that makes you want to be best friends with the author, because you know she would just get you (after all, we share the same thoughts on random hook-ups and ladies going commando). But the real reason I want to be her friend is because I want to be her. Not in a weird, I'm going to Talented Mr. Ripley her, but because she has the kind of career I aspire to - primarily a writer, with some great occasional on-screen credits, famous but not a paparazzi-frenzy-inducing celebrity. Oh, and a killer sense of style. Melissa McCarthy Two words: Sean Spicer. Do I really need to say more than that? I mean, good riddance to bad rubbish, but I was the teensiest bit sad when that guy resigned because it meant no more bravura performances from the comedic wunderkind. McCarthy's another performer I watch and see nothing but a willingness to commit and go as far as necessary to maximize the funniness in a joke. I will never not be impressed by her gum-chewing, podium-driving, high heel-wearing stints as Spicer, and am including the link mainly so I have an excuse to watch it again. Kate McKinnon Kate McKinnon is a goddamn national treasure, and I will fight anyone who disagrees. I can (and probably should) make a whole separate list of her best SNL sketches, but how would I decide what to include? From her spot-on impersonations of Hillary Clinton, KellyAnne Conway and Jeff Sessions to her delightfully demented creations like "Close Encounters'" Ms. Rafferty or Ghostbusters' Jillian Holtzman, McKinnon does everything with 100% commitment, 0% fear, and a sly twinkle in her eye. But if I had to choose, it's McKinnon's gangster interpretation of the Notorious RBG herself that really brings all of her formidable comedic skills to bear. Leslie Jones I know this is an SNL-heavy list, but do you really expect me not to include Leslie Jones? Like the other ladies on this list, Leslie Jones gives no fucks - ok, maybe one, but that's just about being as hilarious as possible. Sure, she can do restrained, as Michelle Obama or Donna Brazille, but as someone who got her start in stand-up, Jones' take-no-prisoners Weekend Update spots are where she really shines. I will gladly listen to her share her wisdom on anything from her perfect man to crazy bitches with "dollop of Miracle Whip" Colin Jost. But it was her ability to survive the completely off-the-rails "Gift Wrap" sketch in a 2017 SNL episode that made her a true MVP in my eyes. So there you have it. Nine ladies who are kicking ass at comedy, Hope they brought a smile to your face (although smiling should be a completely voluntary act on your part, and if you don't want to smile, I completely support that). |
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