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These Are Things I Think About
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Everyone needs a personal anthem. You know, that one song that speaks your truth, psychs you up and prepares you to take on the world. And when the night is dark and full of terrors, and you're about to head into the most epic battle of your life, that need is more urgent than ever. So in honor of our favorite Game of Thrones characters ready to make a stand at Winterfell (and a few waiting it out in King's Landing), here are the personal anthems for all the surviving (for now) characters.
Daenerys Targaryen - "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys They don't call her "The Unburnt" for nothing. The Dragon Queen has walked through fire more than once - but will she be able to survive the icy shade the Night King is about throw her way?
Jon Snow - "Let It Go" from Frozen
The King in the North really let it go last week - "it" being the true nature of his lineage. And if he survives the Battle of Winterfell and has to confess his secret to the surviving Starks and northerners, he's definitely going to need some of Elsa's "I don't care what they're going to say" attitude.
Tyrion Lannister - "It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson ft. Jimmy Buffet
True, Tyrion's been much less of a lush since he escaped from Westeros and became Dany's Hand, but anyone who's personal motto is "I drink and I know things" is still, in his heart, always searching for happy hour.
Cersai Lannister - "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge
The Mother of Madness has used her love of her family and children as the justification for some pretty heinous acts, so she would certainly appreciate the message of this disco classic.
Jaime Lannister - "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line
As he said last week, he would do it all again...
Sansa Stark - "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera
Perhaps moreso than any other character, Sansa has managed to not only overcome years of abuse and manipulation, but learn from those experiences to become a fierce, intelligent and strong leader. Xtina would be proud.
Bran Stark - "Blackbird" by The Beatles
"You will never walk again...but you will fly..."
Arya Stark - "My Friends" from Sweeney Todd
Arya has quite a bit in common with the Demon Barber of Fleet Street...both are motivated by a single-minded pursuit of revenge; both were separated from their deadly but precious weapons, and both like to exact their revenge by slitting their enemies' throats and occasionally baking them into pies.
Theon Greyjoy - "Waterfalls" by TLC
Aside from the obvious aquatic reference, Theon's troubles really began when he went chasing waterfalls - er, should I say, Winterfell? - and took on more than he could handle.
Yara Greyjoy - "Woman" by Kesha
Admit it, if Yara's ship Black Wind had a sound system, she would totally be sailing around the Narrow Sea blasting this jam 24/7.
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Euron Greyjoy - "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
"The most arrogant man" Cersai Lannister ever met would surely think this song is about him.
Jorah Mormont - "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston
Poor Jorah - his love for his Khaleesi is pure, eternal - and pretty much doomed to be forever unrequited.
Lyanna Mormont - "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce
Just like how, in this realm, it's Beyonce's world and we all just live in it, in Westeros, it doesn't matter who ends up on the Iron Throne - Lyanna's the bite-sized bad-ass who runs shit.
Brienne of Tarth - "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha
An epic warrior deserves an equally epic anthem. For Brienne, being a knight of the Seven Kingdoms is no longer an impossible dream, and we're all still feeling all the feelings about it.
Tormund Giantsbane - "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen
Tormund is many things - a wildling, a deadly fighter, a giant teat-suckler - but what really won us over was his unabashed affection for "The Big Woman." Luckily, Freddie Mercury understands.
Varys - "Survivor" by Destiny's Child
The Master of Whispers has been one of Game of Thrones' ultimate survivors, outlasting nearly every other Small Council member in the show's run. That may change during the Battle of Winterfell, where he will be in the 100% safe Winterfell crypts, but for now, he's not gonna give up!
Sam Tarly - "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd
Beyond just being another brick in the Wall (get it?), everyone's favorite bookworm proved that he wouldn't let the maesters of the Citadel control his thoughts. I don't know if you heard, but when he bailed Oldtown, he stole some books. Scandalous!
Gilly - "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette
Despite Sam's best efforts to take credit for Gilly's discovery of Jon Snow's legitimate birth, it's unlikely that the girl who followed Sam throughout the Seven Kingdoms and named her son for him would turn on him after all this time.
Davos Seaworth - "Come Sail Away" by Styx
It's unknown if the Onion Knight will ever see the sea again, but let's take a moment to remember that, in addition to having a wife, everyone's favorite gruff-but-kindly uncle was once a formidable smuggler and captain.
The Hound - "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley
I mean, obviously.
Melisandre - "Witchy Woman" by The Eagles
Also, duh.
Missandei - "You've Got a Friend" by Carole King
In a show so full of betrayals and changing allegiances, it's easy to overlook the relationships built on trust and loyalty. Missandei has been a constant friend and advisor to Daenerys since Season 3, and despite some left-field, eleventh-hour fan theories, I for one hope she stays true to the bitter end.
Grey Worm - "Freedom! '90" by George Michael
Being bought - and then freed - by Daenerys was a defining moment in the life of our favorite Unsullied soldier. His gratitude has led him to another defining moment - defending the Seven Kingdoms from the Army of the Dead.
Podrick Payne - "Whatta Man" by Salt 'N' Pepa
Seriously, though, what did he do to those prostitutes in King's Landing?
Gendry - "All At Sea" by Jaime Cullum
With his exact role in the Great War still unclear (did we seriously just bring him back to forge dragonglass weapons and deflower Arya?), let us pay homage to the most memorable thing about Gendry - that he presumably spent three seasons just rowing around Westeros.
Beric Dondarrion - "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence
Now that his buddy Thoros of Myr is gone, our favorite Brother needs to find someone else to bring him back to life - and soon.
Bronn - "Bitch Better Have My Money" by Rihanna
Money's been Bronn's motivating force since Season One - but will it really lead him to betray the only people he has that resemble friends?
Qyburn - "Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett
Admit it - you can picture the world's creepiest maester jamming out to this in his laboratory.
The Night King - "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
He DID get everyone to stop, collaborate and listen... Warning: spoilers are coming. I had originally intended for this week's post in my unofficial "Goodbye, Game of Thrones" series to be a countdown of the show's most bad-ass women characters, but after what went down in Poundtown in Season 8, Episode 2, "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms," I must focus on one bad-ass in particular: Arya Stark, aka A Girl Who Fucking Gets It.  Although I immediately started shipping these two after their forge-side reunion/flirtation in last week's season premiere, I didn't expect things to escalate so quickly. But considering the Army of the Dead's imminent arrival at Winterfell, there isn't really any time to fuck around if you're trying to fuck, so my girl took the bull (ha!) by the horns and went for it. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it, so let's jump right in. Reaction #1. FUCK. YES. GET. IT. GIRL. Any time a bad-ass woman takes charge of her sexual destiny with a tasty snack who also happens to be a decent human-being, it's a win in my book (you best believe I will be adding "Take off your own bloody pants" to my pillow talk arsenal). But on a show which has robbed women of their sexual agency time and time (and time) again, seeing Arya so confident and in control of the situation felt especially triumphant. Considering the limited amount of time left in the series, and how much of that will be taken up by death and destruction, this may be one of the last "game of boners" scenes we get. Even if it's predicated on the assumption that they will both die the next day, I am super-thrilled that it's between two consenting adults who respect and care about each other, and are not fucking related. Reaction #2. Everyone who is up in arms about it needs to calm their tits As I type this, "Arya Stark age" and "Arya Stark actress age" are the #2 and #5 hits when you Google "Arya Stark." These searches started soon after Maisie Williams displayed some tasteful sideboob, as did a deluge of tweets and posts elucidating exactly how uncomfortable people were with Arya getting it on with Gendry. Which is a perfect microcosm of our culture's complicated, often hypocritical relationship to violence and sexuality (particularly female sexuality). Lest we forget, the Internet was downright stoked when Arya casually slit a man's throat at the end of Season 7 (even if that man totally had it coming). But now our girl wants to satisfy her curiosity about sex before facing almost certain death?  Many people cited the fact that they still see Arya/Williams as the sassy little kid who greeted King Robert in an over-sized helmet in Episode 1 as the reason for their squeamishness, which points to another uncomfortable truth about sex in our society: people do NOT like to admit that cute, innocent kids have a tendency to grow up and wanna FUCK. Here's a truthbomb for you - with the exception of those who are asexual, every sweet, pure baby you know, including your brother, sister, son, daughter, niece, nephew, and cousin, will one day want to smash, and our refusal to acknowledge and accept that reality has manifested in some really problematic views and habits when it comes to human sexuality. The fact that many of the same Game of Thrones viewers cheered Arya's transformation into a deadly, face-swapping assassin drives home the point that we live in the Upside Down when it comes to violence and sex. If a once sweet-faced, innocent girl can go around slaying her enemies in increasingly brutal fashion, why can't she slay some dong as Death creeps ever closer? Reaction #3. Being a tomboy does not mean you can't be for dudes For others, the discomfort with this scene came from the seemingly left-field appearance of Arya's sexuality, or how it disrupted preconceived ideas about her sexual preferences. While I won't argue that as the story has progressed and the pace quickened, character development has often gotten short shrift for expediency's sake, I don't feel like last night's deflowering was unearned because we didn't see Arya deal with the traditional pangs of teenage angst and awkwardness.  Even if she didn't end up having such an, um, unconventional adolescence, I still can't see her pulling a Sansa and mooning over a boy or being squeamish about her first period. To paraphrase, that's not her. Given all that Arya's survived, and the confidence and ruthlessness in her decision-making that she was force to develop at a young age, I feel her approach to sex is justified and true to character.
As for the dissonance between Arya's presumed sexuality and her choice of sex partners...is it wrong for me to think it's more stereotypical to assume she was gay because she wears men's clothes and is more interested in sword-fighting than sewing? I'm not saying there would be anything wrong with her being a lesbian or bisexual (although she still technically could be - more on that in a sec). A storyline with her questioning her gender identity could have been interesting as well (although I wonder about the showrunners' ability to handle a topic like that with the nuance it deserves). But I also have no trouble believing that, despite carrying herself through the world like a man, Arya is attracted to men and chooses to have her first sexual experience with a man. As a hetero woman who often feels like she doesn't conform to traditional expectations of femininity enough to be attractive to men, it's encouraging to see a woman who does not dress or behave in a traditionally feminine way, but is still attracted to men. I know an Arya/Gendry relationship furthers a standard of heteronormative on-screen romances, but it feels slightly somewhat radical because we would not necessarily expect someone like Arya to express sexual desire for men. We must also consider, from a storytelling perspective, that having Arya decide to have sex with Gendry makes a lot more narrative sense than say, a random Northern girl who's chilling at Winterfell waiting for the White Walkers to arrive. Outside of her family, Gendry is one of the few remaining people with whom Arya feels a real human connection, so when she chooses to participate in this very real human activity requiring trust and vulnerability, it's a no-brainer that he's the best man for the job (considering she doesn't seem to know about Podrick's considerable gifts). I think those who are arguing that this was not emotionally satisfying would have been far more disappointed if Arya banged someone with whom she (and the audience) had no emotional connection. It's also not necessarily a confirmation of her heterosexuality. If Arya is just coming into her sexual awakening, perhaps more experimentation is in her future (assuming she survives). In any event, Arya's choice to have sex, and have sex with Gendry feels right and logical because... 4. She's coming full circle and reconnecting with her humanity. Much has been made about Bran's robot-like persona since he became the Three-Eyed Raven, but let's not forget that Arya excised significant portions of her humanity in her quest to become a Faceless Man. You can't be a face-swapping ninja assassin without becoming a little detached. We saw this play out last season when we wondered if she was so deep in Psycho Killer mode that she would shank Sansa in a Lady-of-Winterfell showdown. Her journey was also mostly a solitary one, perhaps moreso than any other character, so again, her desire for a human connection, with someone who's always been able to recognize and respect her for who she is, makes perfect sense at this particular moment, because... 5. Arya's most likely going to die in the Battle of Winterfell I know, I know. I hate to say it, but I've got a sinking feeling that things are not going well for many people, including Arya, next week (especially if we're going by horror movie rules). Yes, she is a skilled fighter who has survived bad odds before, but as she said, she has not met this face of Death yet, and it's an extremely unforgiving one. There's also the matter of character arc to consider. This is what Arya's been training for - the moment to protect her family in a way that she couldn't when her father, mother and oldest brother were killed. What role might she play in a post-battle world? Will she be the one to kill Cersei wearing Jaime's face? Will she be a bodyguard to Sansa or another character? Will she travel throughout Westeros as an assassin-for-hire? All of these are possibilities, but they somehow feel less satisfying than her going out in a blaze of glory defending her family and home. So why not be happy that she had one of the healthiest, most consensual sexual encounters in the show's history? After all, a girl wished for a spear, and this girl gets what she wants. Ah, Game of Thrones. Since 2011, HBO's most-watched show has introduced us to some of television's most compelling and memorable characters - the good (Jon Snow, Brienne of Tarth, Samwell Tarly), the bad (Cersai, Littlefinger, Walder Frey), and the downright ugly (Joffrey, the Night King, The Mountain). They've also introduced us to some of the straight-up craziest motherfuckers this side of the Narrow Sea. Given the number of characters the show has introduced over the course of 68 episodes, it's easy to forget how certifiably bonkers some of them were. In re-watching early seasons with my roommates, one of whom has never watched GoT before, I realized how often I was contextualizing characters by saying, "Oh, this one's BATSHIT insane." Which led me to this - the top 10 most cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs characters Westeros and Essos have to offer. Warning: these people WILL ruin your party. And also, spoilers. 10. Pyat Pree  You definitely do not want to get cornered by this bug-eyed, blue-lipped motherfucker while waiting for the bathroom at a party. Not only does Pyat Pree give off heavy Pyscho Killer vibes, the warlock's cloning abilities make him damn near impossible to escape. His brief appearance in Season 2 during Daenerys' Bogus Journey in Qarth was cut short when he became the baby dragons' first victim, but we remember him (not so) fondly for teaching us cool party tricks, making us feel less self-conscious about our wine-stained lips, and showing us that when you mess with dragons, you get burned. 9. Maester Pycelle  By the time the Grand Maester of the Small Council shuffled off the mortal coil in Season 6, my nickname for him was basically, "Ugh, this fucking guy." Pycelle's a pretty canny guy, which allows him to last so long in a world in which multiple people die in any given episode, but it doesn't stop him from being annoying AF. Hypocritical, sycophantic and flatulent at inappropriate times, Pycelle is that dude who follows the coolest person at the party around even though they want nothing to do with him. And really, can you blame them? 8. Lancel Lannister  This is the guy who comes up to you at a party while you're drinking and having a good time, and asks if you can spare a moment for the Light of the Seven. With all due respect to organized religion, no one really wants to discuss theology while they're on their fifth goblet of Dornish red.. From his days as an arrogant, sniveling knight serving as King Robert Baratheon's squire and banging his cousin Cersai, to his transformation into a face-tattooed religious zealot, despite his powerful name, Lancel was always a bit too squirrelly to be a contender. 7. Selyse Baratheon  You know how there's always somebody at a party who wants to build a bonfire? Selyse Baratheon is that person. (Too soon?) Quite possibly the most brutal mother in the Seven Kingdoms (and that's saying A LOT), Stannis Baratheon's wife also rode the slippery slope of religion into insanity, although if using the preserved fetuses of your dead sons as boudoir decorations is any indication, she was well on her way there before Melisandre showed up. Selyse's suicide following her daughter's immolation was brutal if not entirely surprising; it's hard to imagine how one could live with herself after sanctioning such a horrific act. 6. The Waif  Essentially the personification of Radiohead's "Creep," The Waif spends two seasons alternately ignoring Arya and beating her, and just generally being an awful, soul-sucking...well, creep. No one likes a bully, especially one with crazy eyes and murderous intentions. If there's anything good to be said for The Waif, it's that her training did help Arya become the most bad-ass assassin in the Seven Kingdoms, but did she have to be goddamn humorless and passive-aggressive about it? 5. Euron Greyjoy  There'll be no tolerating Euron now that he's boned Cersai (although losing his prisoner Yara in the process might, ahem, take the wind out of his sails a bit). My theory as to why this guy sucks so much is that after all of the other loonies and villains GoT introduced over its many seasons, there weren't many other places to go in terms of characters we love to hate. So they had to settle for creating an insane (and insanely arrogant) prick. I mean, this is the one guy in Westeros who is actively trying to bang Cersai. What more proof of lunacy do you need? 4. Viserys Targaryen  Admit it, getting his face burned off by molten gold was the best thing this crazy motherfucker ever did. Abusive, entitled and mad molest-y, Viserys was around long enough to give us context for baby sister Daenerys' incredible personal growth, provide some sexposition about dragons, and make us all hate his stupid, whiny face. While it's true that Viserys suffered intense childhood trauma, including the deaths of his father, mother and brother, and his forced exile from his homeland, that's no excuse for his abominable behavior. Perhaps things would have worked out better if he sought out a good therapist instead of an army. 3. Robin Arryn  Yo, this fucking kid. He's the one who gets too turnt on jungle juice and starts acting like a goddamn terrorist while everyone's just trying to have a good time. I've never wanted to roundhouse kick a child in the face so much as when the little Lord Protector of the Vale starts squawking about making "the bad man fly." Like Viserys, Robin is dealing with some serious childhood trauma; any kid who's still breast-feeding at 10 is going to have some issues. How normal can you be when your mom is Lysa Arryn? (More on her in a second). But all things considered, Robin Arryn is still kind of the worst. Here's hoping that if he reappears in Season 8, he's had some time to chill and learn how to be a little less awful. 2. Lysa Arryn  Look, I am all about celebrating breast-feeding as something natural, healthy and not at all shameful. But this shit...if this isn't bonkers-sauce, I don't know what is. They say that character is revealed through action, and this action pretty much reveals everything you need to know about Lysa Arryn - she is, as Gwen Stefani would say, B.A.N.A.N.A.S. Paranoid and extremely volatile, Lysa's not above trying to murder her own family for perceived infractions. Here's hoping that at least all her hair stayed in place when she plummeted from the Moon Door. 1. Ramsay Bolton  Could there be any other number one on this list than the sadistic sociopath you love to hate? Game of Thrones out-did themselves in both the crazy and evil departments with this literal bastard. Ramsay's ability to play the part of a dutiful, even caring, son, friend and husband so well (as this delightfully demented video highlights) was what made him so dangerous. But even a passing glance at his eyes revealed the madness within. One wonders if anyone ever even bothered to gather up his bones after his hounds picked them clean, or if he's still rotting away in the kennels of Winterfell. (Hey, maybe we can feed them to Dany's dragons!)
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