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These Are Things I Think About
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One of the many great things about therapy is that when you've had a lot of it, as I have, eventually, in certain situations, you learn enough to act as your own therapist.
I had one of those moment last night, when I had a small epiphany about how much my very challenging freshman year of college shifted my perceptions of myself and undermined my confidence. Maybe the fact that it took me nearly 20 years to reach this realization is proof that I should go back to paying a therapist. Or maybe I shouldn't judge myself and accept that this knowledge came to me when it was meant to and better late than never. I was thinking about my college experience because my 15-year-old nephew is starting to give some thought to his future plans, and I was thinking about what guidance to give him. When I was his age and in his shoes of starting to think about college, I was determined to get as far away from my hometown as possible. The primary goal was Florida, because that's how I was going to enact my grand plan of meeting, falling in love with, and marrying Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, who lived in Florida. But really, anywhere far, far away would do. Getting out of Hazleton had been my dream since I was 12 years old, and now I was finally getting my chance to do it. My parents supported me, but there were limits, including the mandate that I pick a college within 100 miles of my hometown. They were generously willing to pay for my bachelor's degree, and somehow in my fever-dream teenage brain, I had the common sense to realize that was a good fucking deal, so I agreed and ended up at a mid-sized state college about 90 minutes from my hometown. And here's the kick in the tits - my freshman year was a disaster. I was a homesick, anxious, insecure train wreck. The girl who had been talking shit about traveling the world couldn't hack being 50 miles from her home. It was, needless to say, humbling. But I don't think I ever fully realized until last night how humbling. If I can pinpoint a moment when I felt like I lost the badass, can-do attitude I had as a child and adolescent, it probably has some roots in that experience. A lot of realities smacked me in the face that year - I didn't have the tools to adapt to huge life changes, real life would often deviate from my fantasies, dreaming big was just setting myself up for a fall, I wasn't as brave or bold as I thought I was. A facet of my inner critic was born in that experience, the part that says, "Remember how excited you were to go to college, and then you cried like a little bitch and almost quit? Yeah, maybe calm down those ambitions." Now, of course, I do also have to call out the fact that I did not quit. I stuck it out through freshman year, got some therapy (yay!), went on some anti-anxiety medication, and had a great overall sophomore-through-senior year experience. I've always been proud of how I got up and kept fighting, but I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged until now what was lost when I got knocked down in the first place. It's an interesting thing to consider, how a humbling experience can shake your confidence, and how things would have turned out if that experience would have been different for me. I recently went to the Austin Film Festival for the first time. For those of you who don't know, a key component of AFF is its 4-day Writers Conference that brings together screenwriters, directors, producers, lit managers and other storytellers for a bonanza of panels, Q&As, roundtable, pitch sessions, and more. It's basically summer camp for writing nerds with alcohol, and it was AWESOME.
It was also basically exactly what I needed in the moment that I needed it (thanks, Universe!). My primary obstacle in writing and career development this past year has been my struggle against perfectionism (I mean, if I'm being honest, which is what I'm trying to do here, that's been one of my greatest struggles in life. I've just reached a point where I've cleared away enough other emotional detritus to get the root of the issue). Showing up to write has been a daily struggle, even as I've had really fun ideas that I'm excited to explore. Most of the time I feel like I have a tiny editor who looks and sounds suspiciously like Roz from Monsters Inc. looking over my shoulder and critiquing every single line I wrote. As you can imagine, it's exhausting. I get stuck in my own head a lot (obviously). I look at writers I admire, brilliant people who tell brilliant stories, and assume they have some sort of superpower that allows them to effortlessly translate their brilliant ideas onto the page. Typing that out now, it seems silly. Because what every single one of these writers expressed in the various panels and Q&As I got to attend, is that it's just as scary for them as it is for me. On one hand, this is slightly disappointing - I really did hope it was going get easier one day. But it's also immensely comforting and freeing, because it means that the only thing standing in my way is me. And if there's anything two decades of therapy will teach you, it's how to confront your fears and change your perspective. Fuck, I'm getting caught up in how to end this on some profound note. I blame all the academic research papers I did that taught me you have to have some thoughtful conclusion that synthesizes and summarizes your ideas. Maybe there are no summaries here. Maybe these aren't individual blog posts but one ongoing conversation about perfectionism and vulnerability and how I'm navigating away from one and leaning into another. Maybe I don't try to summarize because I don't know exactly where this is going yet. And maybe that's okay. Is being more vulnerable and less perfectionist easier in the daylight? Let's find out.
Since delaying my 20 minutes of stream-of-consciousness soul-baring until the end of the day has thus far proven unsuccessful, or at least inconsistent, we're going to start doing it first thing in the morning. In theory, it should be easier, because my brain is more alert. But that also means it's more defensive. It's a lot easier to have a "who gives a fuck?" attitude when you're tired and your brain is mushy from staring at a computer for 10 hours than when you're still soft and warm from sleep and the caffeine is starting to hit just right. My inner critic, as always, is alert as fuck, no coffee needed. It's screaming at me to be brilliant right now. It's whispering in my ear that this is a dumb fucking exercise and who is this for anyway? My inner critic is the obnoxious loudmouth at the party who's sole purpose is to ruin everyone else's good time. My creative soul is the wallflower, hanging back, sipping her White Claw, wanting to be noticed but fearful of making the wrong move. My inner critic is making fun of her for calling herself "creative soul." What kind of new age-y self-love bullshit is that? My legs are twitching because I'm having a physical reaction to how uncomfortable this is. Some protective part of my brain is telling me to extricate myself from this situation and distract myself. Light incense. Go get more coffee. Change the volume on the background music I'm playing. That nasty bitch is coming for me, with all of her vitriol about how I'm not as smart as as I think I am, even if I use two-dollar words like "vitriol." I want to plant my feet, look her in the eye, and say, "Go fuck yourself." My timer just went off. I'm still here. So I guess, in my way, I did. Having now experienced the whirlwind that is the Austin Film Festival, I can say how absolutely adorable it was for me to think I'd have the time or the bandwidth to get any kind of work done while I was there.
Technically I wrote one blog, while I was at the beautiful Hollywood Burbank Airport (ugh, I had this whole delightful running joke about the beautiful Hollywood Burbank Airport. You would have loved it). But I couldn't connect to the wifi, and I thought I'd post it later. But I literally feel like I landed in Austin and got shot out of a cannon and did not stop until I landed back in LA, so it just didn't happen. But whatever, here we are on the first day of November. I like the thought of officially starting this "don't think, just write" experiment on the first day of the month. And if anything, what I heard at AFF just solidified how important it is for me to get my inner critic to take it down a few notches if I ever hope to make it in this industry. Meg LeFauve, who wrote one of my favorite movies, "Inside Out," literally said, "Perfectionism is the enemy of art." Roger that, Ms. LeFauve. AFF was fucking awesome, by the way. If you are someone who knows me in real life, I apologize, because I feel like I''m just going to be talking about how amazing it was for at least a month. But I think it's because I want to hold onto the feelings of excitement, inspiration, and confidence it gave me for as long as possible. I am fucking PUMPED right now. I organized so much shit today. I am ready to fucking GO. And I want to ride this wave of enthusiasm as long as I can. Because honestly, I haven't had a lot of joy in my process this year. I've had a lot of productivity, yes, but it's been very anguished productivity. I don't want that. It's not sustainable. Because one of the other things I learned is that it's not really going to get any easier. Veteran writers, writers who I love and think are brilliant, shared that they still find writing challenging, that they still have to work to silence their inner critics. It's a little depressing, but it's also comforting. Because if they can overcome those negative voices, and allow themselves to be vulnerable and shitty, so can I. It's all a process. You just have to take the first step and keep on moving forward. I didn't write a blog post yesterday.
I said, starting Sunday, I was going to spend 20 minutes every day writing a blog post, and at the end of that 20 minutes, so matter what I had, I'd post it. I didn't write a blog post yesterday, the second day of this little experiment to overcome my inner critic and let my creativity flow with more freedom and less judgement. Honestly, I completely forgot. It was a busy day . I had a lot of things to cross off my to-do list and then I had dinner with a friend and then I came home and packed for trip I'm going on and I really and truly did not remember this little bargain I had made with myself until I was half-asleep watching "Great British Bake-off" reruns. "Well," I thought in my drowsy brain, "I guess I'll just try again tomorrow." So here I am, trying. These first couple paragraphs came easy. I just looked at my timer, and only 7 minutes have gone by. Wow. But now I'm starting to struggle. Where do I go from here? Do I want to make some profound statement about how sometimes failing can actually be succeeding, especially if you're trying to unlearn perfectionism? Some wise words about how it's okay to give yourself grace and compassion when you don't live up to the expectations you set for yourself, and that beating yourself up isn't going to help anything? Ugh, it's probably going to end up sounding so preachy. The truth is, you were tired and said, "Fuck it." There wasn't a lot of...profundity? Profoundness? (Hold please for Google, knower of all things...) Profundity. There wasn't a lot of profundity in that thought. I could talk about the complicated relationship I have with the concepts of success and failure, wherein they exist in absolute terms and one is "good" and the other is "bad"...I guess it's not that complicated, really. Teaching a person to think about these concepts in rigid, absolute terms is a great way to create a perfectionist, by the way. So maybe that's why I shouldn't think of it as a failure to fulfill my goal of writing a 20-minute blog post every day, but as a success in acknowledging that I'm not perfect and sometimes I fall short and that's okay. I can always try again tomorrow. Hi, I'm Kristen and I'm an overthinker.
I overthink 98% of things. I'm overthinking this blog post right now. What do I want to say? Will anyone care? What percentage of things do I overthink? 99% seems too high, but it's definitely more than 96%. I rewrote that sentence about four times. I'm writing this because, as I've been reflecting over the past several months (and I call it reflecting instead of thinking because I mostly do it while staring at my reflection in my kitchen window), I need to stop overthinking. More than that, I need to let go of the ingrained beliefs and behaviors that cause me to overthink - the perfectionism, self-doubt, fear of rejection - everything that fuels the inner critic that is telling me right now I should delete this post, close my laptop, and do anything else because my words aren't clever, my thoughts aren't unique, and no one will give two shits what this post says unless it is absolutely flawless. I know my inner critic's a nasty dumb bitch who's full of shit. My inner badass, the one who's forcing me to keep typing, is telling me so. She's whispering in my ear, with those sexy red lips, that it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be real. She's reminding me that I have nothing to lose by putting myself out there. It's a blog post, for Christ's sake - no one reads blogs anymore. But I want to write one. I want to write one as a space for me to stop overthinking and start trusting myself. A place where I can give myself permission to publicly acknowledge that I'm not perfect. That somedays I'm brilliant and insightful and funny and some days I can't put two coherent words together. And that both are absolutely fine. I want to create a gym where I can work my confidence like a muscle, until it can squash that inner critic like a fucking She-Hulk smash. So I'll write. 20 minutes a day, every day. My first 20 minutes are almost up, and already I'm overthinking. How should I end it? Better be something smart and incisive, something that will leave them wanting more. But this is just the start, not the end, so maybe it's best to leave it unfinished. Hey, hi, how are you? Let's just get this out of the way - yes, it has been an absurdly long time since I've posted anything. I've been busy. I don't really feel like wasting time explaining exactly what I've been busy with, but rest assured that it's mostly good things that are career-related, and I am overall doing pretty well. And just because I haven't been writing them down, rest assured that I have been thinking about many, many things.
However, at the moment, I, like many of you, are suddenly a lot less busy because I am practicing physical distancing and self-quarantining to help slow the spread of COVID-19. I don't feel like wasting a lot of time writing about that, because honestly, that's pretty much all anyone's writing (and talking and thinking) about, and I would like this blog to be a place of some respite from the insanity of the world in which we currently live. No matter how bad a situation is, I always believe that there are silver linings. This week, I discovered a silver lining of this whole crazy COVID-19 situation - virtual first dates. People, this is a game-changer. I, like many people, am not a big fan of first dates, especially in the era of dating apps. Maybe it's because, in the words of Charlotte from Sex and the City, "I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted. Where is he?" Maybe it's because I hate forced situations and awkward small talk. Maybe it's because I usually end up wishing I was at home, wearing pjs, in my bed, watching Netflix and smoking a bowl instead of in a crowded, noisy bar wearing pants that are too tight and drinking a cocktail that's too expensive. I don't know. But what I do know is that I have discovered a solution to many of these problems, and it is (drumroll, please) virtual dating in a time of physical distancing. Obviously, I'm not the first person to try an online date in lieu of a now-forbidden and ill-advised in-person meet-up. But I am, as far as I know, the first person to list the reasons why this is the ideal first-date scenario: 1. You don't have to leave your house Yes, I know, you're not supposed to be leaving your house that much anyway right now, and even if you do, there isn't really anywhere to go. And we are all very sad about this. But think about it - how many times have you been on a first date where you thought, "Really? I left my house for this?" With a Zoom, Facetime or Google Hangout date, feeling like the date was not worth the effort becomes irrelevant. You're likely staring at your phone or computer already, so there may as well be a potential love interest on the end, right? 2. You can wear comfy clothes Put real pants on. Or don't. Wear make-up. Or don't. Everybody knows the situation right now, and that the rules have changed. Why keep up the pretense of a traditional, in-person date when everyone knows you've been on your couch in joggers and a hoodie all day watching Tiger King? I don't know about you, but I'm way more fun when I'm not squeezing myself into a pair of skinny jeans, and my feet aren't killing me in high heels. 3. No one has to spend money This is especially important at a time when unemployment is at an all-time high, but honestly, the intersection of money and dating has always felt awkward to me. On a virtual date, there's no uncomfortable dance about who should pay at the end of the night. It's true equality, and I am HERE. FOR. IT. 4. With less distractions, you can actually focus on getting to know your date Look, I'll be the first to admit, I have the attention span of a goldfish. When I am in a public place, like a bar, I am constantly distracted by what is going on around me. I also destroyed my hearing blasting Backstreet Boys through my Discman 20 years ago (#worthit), so a date in a loud bar usually consists of me saying, "I'm sorry, what?" approximately 8 million times. With a video chat, it's more likely that it's just you and the other person, making it way easier to focus on who they are and what they're saying. 5. You get a peek into your date's like, without actually having to go home with them We're all learning new things about our co-workers by getting a peek into their homes on Zoom calls. Virtual dates extend that insight into our romantic lives. Now you don't actually have to go home with a guy to find out if he sleeps on a mattress on the floor - just ask for a virtual tour of his home! 6. The date can go on for as long as you want There are no "last calls" in the land of virtual dating. No debating whether you can have one more drink, and still drive home - you're already there! So if you're having a good time, there's no reason to end the night soon. It's not like time has any meaning anymore anyway. 7. You don't have to worry about getting to physical too fast Ok, to be fair, this is also a downside if you're really feeling someone, and you're getting sick of solo sexy time. But virtual dating forces you to really get to know a person, and figure out if you connect in non-physical ways first, which I personally really like. And look, it's not like people haven't figured out how to have long-distance sexy-time, so if you feel so inclined, you can still sort of go for it, 8. If it gets weird, ending the date is as easy as ending the call No more awkward excuses and escape hatches necessary in the land of virtual dating. If your date goes sideways, simply end the call and move on with your life. And regardless of whether it goes well or poorly, when it's over, you're already home, in comfy pants, a drink in hand, minutes away from your bed and Netflix. Who could ask for anything more? Warning: this post is dark and full of spoilers.
More than once, my friends have told me I am pessimistic. I counter that I am realistic, and since reality is sadly often shitty, I like to be prepared. Which is why, about halfway through the most recent episode of Game of Thrones, "The Last of the Starks," I realized I had to confront a reality that I've been dodging like Arya hiding from the wights during the Battle of Winterfell - I am most likely going to be disappointed in the GoT series finale, and I need to start accepting that now. Look, I don't want to be disappointed. I'm not wishing failure on the showrunners out of some perverted sense of schaudenfreude. I'm not saying I won't find some, if not most of it, entertaining, thrilling, and heart-breaking. But as the number of remaining episodes dwindle, I (like everyone hiding in the crypts) must face the truth: in its final act, Game of Thrones has largely foregone sound narrative structure and logical character motivations in favor of CGI-enhanced spectacle and the delivery of long-promised confrontations, even if they no longer make sense plot-wise, leaving me frustrated, irritated and ultimately unfulfilled. I had high hopes at the beginning of Season 8. I knew there was a lot to set up in the first few episodes, and so remained optimistic that if plot points were glossed over, or seemed a little too convenient, they would be addressed later, or were in service of building a stronger narrative. But with only two episodes left, I can no longer pretend that it isn't because, like Theon's beheading of Ser Rodrik Cassel back in Season 2, the showrunners are getting sloppy in the final execution. "The Last of the Starks" drove this home for me for a number of reasons. Let's start with the opening - yes, it was a beautifully moving sequence that let us say goodbye to some of our favorite fallen warriors (pour one out for Jorah Mormont, Theon Greyjoy, Dolorous Edd, Beric Dondarrion, and my girl, Lyanna Mormont) before transitioning into a joyous celebration the likes of which we've never seen on Game of Thrones. But after eight seasons of the looming existential threat of the Army of the Dead, and the incalculable harm they did even before the Battle of Winterfell, we're still left with a lot of questions. What was it all for? What did the Night King want? Why did everyone in the Army of the Living agree to such a spectacularly awful battle plan? No one at Winterfell seems to care, and apparently neither should we. From where I stand, it seems like the whole Army of the Dead B-story existed simply to deplete Dany's army, and set Jon up as some sort of brilliant Everyman hero (more on that in a sec). If there's more to it than that, please tell me, D&D. Really, I'd love to hear it. Because if there's not, then seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK. With only two episodes left, the Army of the Dead's purpose is one of the myriad unanswered questions that Game of Thrones has posed to us over the last eight years. The Ringer has a fantastic piece detailing all of Game of Thrones' loose ends heading into the final season. While I don't expect an answer to every single one of these questions (much like Davos, I had forgotten that he had a wife and am also unconcerned with her well-being). But there's no arguing that there are some long-running, overarching-theme-related MAJOR questions that Season 8 ought to answer in order for this story to have a satisfying conclusion. When we've gotten answers, they've been hurried, illogical, or inconsequential. Like this question about Theon and Yara - the answer is, Well, yeah, kinda. Sure, Theon got to reunite with his Stark foster family and complete his redemption arc by dying for them, albeit in a rather rushed fashion. Meanwhile, Yara hasn't been seen since Theon sprung her from Euron's ship in Episode 1, and with everything else that's going in Westeros, who knows if we will see her again? As for the unanswered questions, one most confront the possibility that we just might never know if the Children of the Forest still exist or if Azor Ahai is a real entity. Which contradicts the whole storytelling principle of set-up and payoff, and really grinds my gears. A few red herrings is one thing, but leaving eight seasons worth of questions unanswered (or forcing viewers to dedicate another 70-odd hours to seeking answers) is just sloppy storytelling. There's also the fact that the story we are being told no longer holds up to scrutiny. For example, there is Dany's primary dilemma - how to take out Cersei without killing innocent civilians and decimating King's Landing. If only Dany and her army had a person on their side who was trained to be a silent, invisible assassin, with a literal bag of tricks and a kill list a mile long...OH WAIT THEY TOTALLY DO! The fact that no one even suggests that they send Arya in undercover to give Cersai the Walder Frey Special is proof that the showrunners are stuck in the quagmire of adhering to logic versus delivering on expectations, and can't get themselves unstuck. The final battle for the Iron Throne has been so woven into the show's DNA that to not have it happen would be a letdown, even though there's no longer any logical reason for it. Having Arya assassinate Cersai is one reasonable outcome. Cersai also had the opportunity to wipe out Dany, Tyrion, and their entourage during the negotiations outside King's Landing in last week's episode. What stopped her from putting a spear through Dany's heart and ending the whole thing then and there? Nothing, except that we were promised a battle, and by god, we will have one! Would it have been a brutal and unexpected way for Dany to die? Of course, but killing beloved characters in a brutal and unexpected way is what got GoT its street cred in the first place. Maybe, at this late stage of the game, we're seeing why, although great for shock value and ratings, this is not a sound storytelling strategy. When you start off with the most jaw-dropping climax possible, where do you go from there? My fear is that, even after eight years, the showrunners never figured out an answer to that question, and as a result, we're getting a conclusion that can't possibly live up to the thrilling, surprising nature of the beginning. There's also the issue of how, now that the long-awaited Great War is finally here, Dany and Jon are being positioned. Once we had confirmation that Jon is indeed a Targaryen with a better claim to the throne than Dany, we knew the honeymoon would be over between these two. But I did not expect the tide to turn so rapidly against Dany, especially among her trusted advisers and those she risked her life to save. If Dany is feeling a little overwhelmed and full of rage right now, she has every right to be. Her Hand to the Queen has made one bad decision after another, and in rapid succession she lost a significant chunk of her army; her two closest, most trusted confidantes; two dragons, and quite possibly her whole dang claim to the throne. Having Dany go into the fight against Cersai as the underdog is an intriguing choice, but not if it only serves to make Dany that which she always tried not be - a cruel, unjust, pyromaniac murderer like her father. Is she a flawed character? Yes - so is everyone on this bloody show. That's why it's good. That's why we watch it. Forget the Iron Throne - if the conclusion of Dany's journey is that all of her efforts and growth were for naught, and she just ends up being the second coming of the Mad King, the show does a great disservice to her and itself. As for Jon Snow, he continues to know nothing, and that is why if he ends up on the Iron Throne, I will flip a fucking table. I've been saying for several seasons that Jon Snow is the worst (and I'm not the only one who thinks so), and nothing he's done in the past four episodes has changed my mind. And yet, as of the conclusion of the most recent episode, the possibility that he ends up as the King of Westeros feels very real. I don't need to see an inept, dim-witted man who doesn't even really want the job leap-frog into power over a more qualified woman just because the public thinks she should smile more. I lived through the 2016 U.S. presidential election, thank you very much. Is it possible that, at this point, the only way for Game of Thrones to break the rules and shock us is by playing by the rules, and placing the show's most conventional hero on the Iron Throne? Or do the showrunners really have an astonishing, unexpected finale up their sleeve? I am not as confident as I would like to be, and while I remain hopeful going into the final episodes, I must temper my expectations, lest I be as utterly disappointed and devastated as Brienne when fuckboy Jaime bounced out of Winterfell. (Quick, Brienne, I bet you can still catch up with Tormund and Ghost!!)
Everyone needs a personal anthem. You know, that one song that speaks your truth, psychs you up and prepares you to take on the world. And when the night is dark and full of terrors, and you're about to head into the most epic battle of your life, that need is more urgent than ever. So in honor of our favorite Game of Thrones characters ready to make a stand at Winterfell (and a few waiting it out in King's Landing), here are the personal anthems for all the surviving (for now) characters.
Daenerys Targaryen - "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys They don't call her "The Unburnt" for nothing. The Dragon Queen has walked through fire more than once - but will she be able to survive the icy shade the Night King is about throw her way?
Jon Snow - "Let It Go" from Frozen
The King in the North really let it go last week - "it" being the true nature of his lineage. And if he survives the Battle of Winterfell and has to confess his secret to the surviving Starks and northerners, he's definitely going to need some of Elsa's "I don't care what they're going to say" attitude.
Tyrion Lannister - "It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" by Alan Jackson ft. Jimmy Buffet
True, Tyrion's been much less of a lush since he escaped from Westeros and became Dany's Hand, but anyone who's personal motto is "I drink and I know things" is still, in his heart, always searching for happy hour.
Cersai Lannister - "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge
The Mother of Madness has used her love of her family and children as the justification for some pretty heinous acts, so she would certainly appreciate the message of this disco classic.
Jaime Lannister - "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line
As he said last week, he would do it all again...
Sansa Stark - "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera
Perhaps moreso than any other character, Sansa has managed to not only overcome years of abuse and manipulation, but learn from those experiences to become a fierce, intelligent and strong leader. Xtina would be proud.
Bran Stark - "Blackbird" by The Beatles
"You will never walk again...but you will fly..."
Arya Stark - "My Friends" from Sweeney Todd
Arya has quite a bit in common with the Demon Barber of Fleet Street...both are motivated by a single-minded pursuit of revenge; both were separated from their deadly but precious weapons, and both like to exact their revenge by slitting their enemies' throats and occasionally baking them into pies.
Theon Greyjoy - "Waterfalls" by TLC
Aside from the obvious aquatic reference, Theon's troubles really began when he went chasing waterfalls - er, should I say, Winterfell? - and took on more than he could handle.
Yara Greyjoy - "Woman" by Kesha
Admit it, if Yara's ship Black Wind had a sound system, she would totally be sailing around the Narrow Sea blasting this jam 24/7.
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Euron Greyjoy - "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
"The most arrogant man" Cersai Lannister ever met would surely think this song is about him.
Jorah Mormont - "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston
Poor Jorah - his love for his Khaleesi is pure, eternal - and pretty much doomed to be forever unrequited.
Lyanna Mormont - "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyonce
Just like how, in this realm, it's Beyonce's world and we all just live in it, in Westeros, it doesn't matter who ends up on the Iron Throne - Lyanna's the bite-sized bad-ass who runs shit.
Brienne of Tarth - "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha
An epic warrior deserves an equally epic anthem. For Brienne, being a knight of the Seven Kingdoms is no longer an impossible dream, and we're all still feeling all the feelings about it.
Tormund Giantsbane - "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen
Tormund is many things - a wildling, a deadly fighter, a giant teat-suckler - but what really won us over was his unabashed affection for "The Big Woman." Luckily, Freddie Mercury understands.
Varys - "Survivor" by Destiny's Child
The Master of Whispers has been one of Game of Thrones' ultimate survivors, outlasting nearly every other Small Council member in the show's run. That may change during the Battle of Winterfell, where he will be in the 100% safe Winterfell crypts, but for now, he's not gonna give up!
Sam Tarly - "Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd
Beyond just being another brick in the Wall (get it?), everyone's favorite bookworm proved that he wouldn't let the maesters of the Citadel control his thoughts. I don't know if you heard, but when he bailed Oldtown, he stole some books. Scandalous!
Gilly - "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette
Despite Sam's best efforts to take credit for Gilly's discovery of Jon Snow's legitimate birth, it's unlikely that the girl who followed Sam throughout the Seven Kingdoms and named her son for him would turn on him after all this time.
Davos Seaworth - "Come Sail Away" by Styx
It's unknown if the Onion Knight will ever see the sea again, but let's take a moment to remember that, in addition to having a wife, everyone's favorite gruff-but-kindly uncle was once a formidable smuggler and captain.
The Hound - "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley
I mean, obviously.
Melisandre - "Witchy Woman" by The Eagles
Also, duh.
Missandei - "You've Got a Friend" by Carole King
In a show so full of betrayals and changing allegiances, it's easy to overlook the relationships built on trust and loyalty. Missandei has been a constant friend and advisor to Daenerys since Season 3, and despite some left-field, eleventh-hour fan theories, I for one hope she stays true to the bitter end.
Grey Worm - "Freedom! '90" by George Michael
Being bought - and then freed - by Daenerys was a defining moment in the life of our favorite Unsullied soldier. His gratitude has led him to another defining moment - defending the Seven Kingdoms from the Army of the Dead.
Podrick Payne - "Whatta Man" by Salt 'N' Pepa
Seriously, though, what did he do to those prostitutes in King's Landing?
Gendry - "All At Sea" by Jaime Cullum
With his exact role in the Great War still unclear (did we seriously just bring him back to forge dragonglass weapons and deflower Arya?), let us pay homage to the most memorable thing about Gendry - that he presumably spent three seasons just rowing around Westeros.
Beric Dondarrion - "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence
Now that his buddy Thoros of Myr is gone, our favorite Brother needs to find someone else to bring him back to life - and soon.
Bronn - "Bitch Better Have My Money" by Rihanna
Money's been Bronn's motivating force since Season One - but will it really lead him to betray the only people he has that resemble friends?
Qyburn - "Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett
Admit it - you can picture the world's creepiest maester jamming out to this in his laboratory.
The Night King - "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
He DID get everyone to stop, collaborate and listen... Warning: spoilers are coming. I had originally intended for this week's post in my unofficial "Goodbye, Game of Thrones" series to be a countdown of the show's most bad-ass women characters, but after what went down in Poundtown in Season 8, Episode 2, "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms," I must focus on one bad-ass in particular: Arya Stark, aka A Girl Who Fucking Gets It.  Although I immediately started shipping these two after their forge-side reunion/flirtation in last week's season premiere, I didn't expect things to escalate so quickly. But considering the Army of the Dead's imminent arrival at Winterfell, there isn't really any time to fuck around if you're trying to fuck, so my girl took the bull (ha!) by the horns and went for it. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about it, so let's jump right in. Reaction #1. FUCK. YES. GET. IT. GIRL. Any time a bad-ass woman takes charge of her sexual destiny with a tasty snack who also happens to be a decent human-being, it's a win in my book (you best believe I will be adding "Take off your own bloody pants" to my pillow talk arsenal). But on a show which has robbed women of their sexual agency time and time (and time) again, seeing Arya so confident and in control of the situation felt especially triumphant. Considering the limited amount of time left in the series, and how much of that will be taken up by death and destruction, this may be one of the last "game of boners" scenes we get. Even if it's predicated on the assumption that they will both die the next day, I am super-thrilled that it's between two consenting adults who respect and care about each other, and are not fucking related. Reaction #2. Everyone who is up in arms about it needs to calm their tits As I type this, "Arya Stark age" and "Arya Stark actress age" are the #2 and #5 hits when you Google "Arya Stark." These searches started soon after Maisie Williams displayed some tasteful sideboob, as did a deluge of tweets and posts elucidating exactly how uncomfortable people were with Arya getting it on with Gendry. Which is a perfect microcosm of our culture's complicated, often hypocritical relationship to violence and sexuality (particularly female sexuality). Lest we forget, the Internet was downright stoked when Arya casually slit a man's throat at the end of Season 7 (even if that man totally had it coming). But now our girl wants to satisfy her curiosity about sex before facing almost certain death?  Many people cited the fact that they still see Arya/Williams as the sassy little kid who greeted King Robert in an over-sized helmet in Episode 1 as the reason for their squeamishness, which points to another uncomfortable truth about sex in our society: people do NOT like to admit that cute, innocent kids have a tendency to grow up and wanna FUCK. Here's a truthbomb for you - with the exception of those who are asexual, every sweet, pure baby you know, including your brother, sister, son, daughter, niece, nephew, and cousin, will one day want to smash, and our refusal to acknowledge and accept that reality has manifested in some really problematic views and habits when it comes to human sexuality. The fact that many of the same Game of Thrones viewers cheered Arya's transformation into a deadly, face-swapping assassin drives home the point that we live in the Upside Down when it comes to violence and sex. If a once sweet-faced, innocent girl can go around slaying her enemies in increasingly brutal fashion, why can't she slay some dong as Death creeps ever closer? Reaction #3. Being a tomboy does not mean you can't be for dudes For others, the discomfort with this scene came from the seemingly left-field appearance of Arya's sexuality, or how it disrupted preconceived ideas about her sexual preferences. While I won't argue that as the story has progressed and the pace quickened, character development has often gotten short shrift for expediency's sake, I don't feel like last night's deflowering was unearned because we didn't see Arya deal with the traditional pangs of teenage angst and awkwardness.  Even if she didn't end up having such an, um, unconventional adolescence, I still can't see her pulling a Sansa and mooning over a boy or being squeamish about her first period. To paraphrase, that's not her. Given all that Arya's survived, and the confidence and ruthlessness in her decision-making that she was force to develop at a young age, I feel her approach to sex is justified and true to character.
As for the dissonance between Arya's presumed sexuality and her choice of sex partners...is it wrong for me to think it's more stereotypical to assume she was gay because she wears men's clothes and is more interested in sword-fighting than sewing? I'm not saying there would be anything wrong with her being a lesbian or bisexual (although she still technically could be - more on that in a sec). A storyline with her questioning her gender identity could have been interesting as well (although I wonder about the showrunners' ability to handle a topic like that with the nuance it deserves). But I also have no trouble believing that, despite carrying herself through the world like a man, Arya is attracted to men and chooses to have her first sexual experience with a man. As a hetero woman who often feels like she doesn't conform to traditional expectations of femininity enough to be attractive to men, it's encouraging to see a woman who does not dress or behave in a traditionally feminine way, but is still attracted to men. I know an Arya/Gendry relationship furthers a standard of heteronormative on-screen romances, but it feels slightly somewhat radical because we would not necessarily expect someone like Arya to express sexual desire for men. We must also consider, from a storytelling perspective, that having Arya decide to have sex with Gendry makes a lot more narrative sense than say, a random Northern girl who's chilling at Winterfell waiting for the White Walkers to arrive. Outside of her family, Gendry is one of the few remaining people with whom Arya feels a real human connection, so when she chooses to participate in this very real human activity requiring trust and vulnerability, it's a no-brainer that he's the best man for the job (considering she doesn't seem to know about Podrick's considerable gifts). I think those who are arguing that this was not emotionally satisfying would have been far more disappointed if Arya banged someone with whom she (and the audience) had no emotional connection. It's also not necessarily a confirmation of her heterosexuality. If Arya is just coming into her sexual awakening, perhaps more experimentation is in her future (assuming she survives). In any event, Arya's choice to have sex, and have sex with Gendry feels right and logical because... 4. She's coming full circle and reconnecting with her humanity. Much has been made about Bran's robot-like persona since he became the Three-Eyed Raven, but let's not forget that Arya excised significant portions of her humanity in her quest to become a Faceless Man. You can't be a face-swapping ninja assassin without becoming a little detached. We saw this play out last season when we wondered if she was so deep in Psycho Killer mode that she would shank Sansa in a Lady-of-Winterfell showdown. Her journey was also mostly a solitary one, perhaps moreso than any other character, so again, her desire for a human connection, with someone who's always been able to recognize and respect her for who she is, makes perfect sense at this particular moment, because... 5. Arya's most likely going to die in the Battle of Winterfell I know, I know. I hate to say it, but I've got a sinking feeling that things are not going well for many people, including Arya, next week (especially if we're going by horror movie rules). Yes, she is a skilled fighter who has survived bad odds before, but as she said, she has not met this face of Death yet, and it's an extremely unforgiving one. There's also the matter of character arc to consider. This is what Arya's been training for - the moment to protect her family in a way that she couldn't when her father, mother and oldest brother were killed. What role might she play in a post-battle world? Will she be the one to kill Cersei wearing Jaime's face? Will she be a bodyguard to Sansa or another character? Will she travel throughout Westeros as an assassin-for-hire? All of these are possibilities, but they somehow feel less satisfying than her going out in a blaze of glory defending her family and home. So why not be happy that she had one of the healthiest, most consensual sexual encounters in the show's history? After all, a girl wished for a spear, and this girl gets what she wants. |
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