I have A LOT of thoughts about the Lori Loughlin/Felicity Huffman college admissions scandal

My, what a day to be alive. Los Angeles is awash in butterflies, the Catholic Church is up in arms because an SNL cast member called them on their bullshit, and a bunch of rich people, including Aunt Becky and one of the Desperate Housewives, were arrested for participating in a massive, college admissions bribery scheme. Forget the Ides of March - March 12, 2019 was off the hook.

I first saw the headline about Loughlin's and Huffman's arrests as I was browsing ComedyWire, and had little reaction beyond, "Well, that sounds crazy bananas." I didn't get around to reading all the gory details until later, and they confirmed that yes, this story is crazy bananas.

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to gather my thoughts on these shenanigans, because I really do have a lot of them. I will do my best to present them in some semblance of order and coherency, but no promises, because there is a lot to unpack here.

1. First up, the fact that the two biggest names in this conspiracy, Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman, are two of the most (seemingly) innocuous and vanilla actors in Hollywood definitely adds to the surreal-ness of this story, I think. I mean, we're pretty much all having the same reaction, right?

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I guess that's a lesson for all of us not to judge a book by its cover. Given Loughlin's status as a newly minted alleged criminal, I had hoped that, instead of returning to the U.S. from Canada, where she was shooting a movie, to turn herself in to the authorities, she would go on the run, sparking an international manhunt, because why not make this story even more dramatic than it already is. Alas, according to reports, Loughlin did return to the U.S. Tuesday, although at this time it's unclear if she has been arrested and formally charged. 

2. When I first saw that this was a scheme involving college admissions, a small part of me hoped, as a former college admissions employee, that at least some of the $25 million that exchanged hands went to the poor, overworked, underpaid admissions counselors. If anyone deserves a little extra cash in their pockets, it's these folks (and the financial aid staff. My god, financial aid counselors deserve bonuses, pensions, and retirement homes in the Virgin Islands.). I know everyone at a university thinks they have the most thankless job, but if college was a war zone, these folks are your front line infantry, heading straight into the combat zone.

Like infantry, they cover a lot of ground, traveling several months out of the year to the special kind of hell that is the high school college fair; they deal with bombardments of stupid and repetitive questions from students, parents, guidance counselors, teachers, etc.; they are forced to take orders from the top brass that are often illogical (at best) and grave tactical errors (at worst), and they usually do with all with little or no training. And all for the low, low price of near-poverty-level wages! So yeah, for one brief, shining moment, I thought maybe some of this bribery moola went to these hard-working individuals. But nah, it went to an old white guy. 

3. Which, of course, speaks to the heart of this whole scandal - how the wealthy and powerful use their wealth and power to ensure that their privilege and entitlement will continue for future generations, at the expense of more deserving but less financially endowed people. It's a story of money, access, greed, entitlement, cheating and laziness. When you think about it, it's really the perfect parable for America in the grips of late-stage capitalism.

Imagine a world in which Fox News pundits scream about affirmative action, handouts, and "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" to kids who work hard to earn their college admissions, often in the face of adverse circumstances, while the one percent think that using their monetary power to buy their entitled, over-privileged offspring a place at a university is a sufficient substitute for actual attentive parenting. Wait, we don't have to now. 

I can't help but wonder what was going through the minds of these parents as they paid Singer exorbitant sums of money and cooked up almost comically elaborate schemes (Faked doctor's notes! Staged sports photo shoots! Altered test scores!). I suppose there is still enough optimism alive in me to think that, on some level, these parents did this because they really do love their kids and want what's best for them. It's just that fame, money and power have warped their brains so much that they think the best way to express that is by FAKING ATHLETIC CAREERS AND BRIBING SCHOOLS TO ADMIT THEIR SON'S AND DAUGHTER'S. AND THEN NOT TELLING THEIR KID ABOUT IT!

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(As with any good crime caper, the novice perpetrators are their own worst enemies, nearly blowing the whole thing with their naivete and ineptitude.) But seriously, I also can't help but wonder what a difference it could have made if these parents took the time that they spent wheeling and dealing with Singer and his shady cronies, and, I don't know, helped their kids with their homework? Or had a conversation with them about the value of hard work? Or taken their bribe money and applied it more directly to their education? I'd be willing to bet the $100K can buy some really amazing tutors and SAT prep.

But there I go, applying real world (aka poor/middle class) logic to a rich people problem. Whether or not their intentions were honorable, these parents wanted the fastest solution money could buy, and Singer and his cronies were only too willing to provide it. And while entitled dicks getting their asses handed to them on a public stage is high on my list of things I enjoy, my giddiness is tempered by the fact that somewhere out there is an actual crew coxswain who busted her ass and was on the river at dawn every day for four years in hopes of earning a place on USC's crew team, and was denied that opportunity because Aunt Becky decided her daughter really needed to be a Trojan.
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4. I'm also reminded of something my father, himself a high school teacher, was fond of saying: "Education is the most important investment you can make, because it's an investment in yourself. Once you have your education, no one can take that away from you." Growing up in Mike Scatton's house, my brother and I knew the value of education (and hard work). My parents expected my brother and I to take school seriously, work hard, get good grades, go to college and earn degrees because they knew we were smart and had great potential. And my brother and I did those things (grudgingly, at times) because we knew our parents were right. 

What outcomes did these parents foresee for their kids? That, once admitted to elite schools which they had no business attending, they would magically become outstanding scholars? Or, more realistically, that the bribery and deception would continue for another four (or five or six years) to ensure that little Johnny would graduate despite his bottom-scraping GPA and run-ins with campus police, simply so he could put Georgetown or Stanford on his (non-existent) resume?

If you don't value your education, your education will have no value to you (take that, Mike Scatton, I can coin phrases too!). Maybe some of these kids did benefit from going to these schools. I certainly hope so. For the record, I don't blame the kids in these situations. Based on the court documents, most of them were unaware of the machinations their parents were engaged in, and in some cases, their parents were actively working in opposition of the goals they had set for themselves, like this Bizarro World scenario:
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Because that makes sense, right? Instead of encouraging your daughter to, you know, work hard and study to achieve the score she wants, just buy it for her!

It's really all too much to process, and I'm sure I'll have more thoughts in the coming days. For now, it's late, and I have not yet eaten dinner, so I'll close here. I would like to end with something profound, but here's the best I can do right now - Netflix, I have two writing degrees from colleges that legitimately accepted me, so when you inevitably get the rights to make this into a film, please, please, PLEASE call me! Thanks!