Why men love damaged women: a theory

A few weeks ago, I fell down an Intervention rabbit hole, binge-watching several seasons of the long-running A&E reality show. I'm usually not much of a reality TV person, but Intervention crafts its story lines into dramatic emotional roller coasters, creating an addictively rewarding viewing experience that is not unlike the feeling one may get from using mind-altering substances.

During this binge, I watched an episode in which the subject was a heroin addict who was prostituting herself to get drug money. This young woman 's whole existence revolved around drugs - getting money for them, buying them, doing them - typical stuff for an Intervention subject. What makes this particular episode stick out in my mind is that this young woman had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who paid her rent, bills, and bought her a car, prompting me to send this text message at 12:52 am to one of my best friends:

"I'm watching an Intervention episode in which a heroin addict who literally prostitutes herself for drug money has a boyfriend who pays her rent, bills and bought her a car. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" *angry face emoji* *angry face emoji* *angry face emoji*

I,Now, let me clarify a few things:
1. It's not that I think drug addicts are inherently bad people or don't deserve love. This young woman had suffered some serious trauma, and was dealing with it the only way she knew how. Certainly, having a person in her life who cared for her and had her best interests at heart could only help her.
2. Just because I'm not a drug addict doesn't mean I don't have my flaws or damage. But I think I should get myself some credit for working through my issues with a healthy mix of therapy, self-reflection, and creative expression instead of drugs and prostitution.
3. This was an unhealthy relationship, and I am fully aware that it is better to have no romantic relationship than an unhealthy one.

However, the question at the root of my midnight missive to my friend remains. How could this clearly damaged, self-destructive girl with no ambitions other than getting high and passing out on her sister's couch every day have a significant other, while I - a fairly intelligent, highly ambitious, generally genial productive member of society - do not. And why I have I seen this scenario play out multiple times, not just for me, but other smart, capable, strong women like myself?

The theory arrived fully formed in my brain the next morning: Because a damaged woman is far less intimidating than a woman who has her shit together, and a lot of men do not like to be intimidated.

This is not a blanket statement (#notallmen). There are plenty of men out there who love, support and celebrate strong women, including my father, brother, many of male friends and my female friends' partners. I see you, and applaud you. However, I would argue, based on my experience and observations, that the ratio of strong, badass women to men who love strong, badass women is highly imbalanced.

Which makes sense. If you're a dude raised to believe in traditional masculine/feminine gender roles, you probably see capable, confident women as a threat. A woman whose spirit is broken is never going to be a threat. She might be your partner in a toxic, co-dependent, ultimately unfulfilling relationship, but you can be damn sure she will never do anything to surpass you and shake your fragile male ego. And if the trolls who recently tried to tank the first female-led Marvel Studios movie indicated, the male ego is the only thing more fragile than their tender, hairy little ball sacks. 

Am I so cynical that I don't believe that, in some cases, men are attracted to damaged women out of a nurturing desire to truly help them overcome their best issues and be their best selves? Honestly...yeah, I kind of am. Yes, it's a big world and anything can happen and making sweeping generalized statements is usually a bad idea. But as I've posited before in this blog, I haven't seen a lot of evidence that men want to do the hard work to help themselves, let alone another person. I would argue that if these men are trying to save these broken women, it's out of some antiquated notion of chivalry, so there's still an imbalance of power. He's not empowering her for the sake of her own empowerment, but rather so she will be indebted to him for "saving" her. 

Which, by the way, I would like to point out that the idea of "saving" anyone is BS. No one can be nor should be responsible for "saving" another person. Ideally, should our relationships, romantic and otherwise, help make us better people? Absolutely. But the choice to make yourself a better person is ultimately up to you and you have to do the work. So despite the best of intentions, I don't think this is an actual reason that men pursue broken women for relationships.

I don't say any of this to be damning towards men. In a way, I feel sorry that the idea of masculinity they were raised with is such that they see a confident woman as a threat, because they're missing out on some really fantastic ladies, and resigning themselves to some really crappy relationships. I mean, if you're going to throw your hard-earned money at a girl, why not throw it at, say, a talented writer and comedian who will someday be a successful screenwriter and buy you a sweet beach house in Malibu?